5:57pm – Former WWF wrestler The Iron Sheik echos the thoughts of a riveted nation:
The colin kaepernick real or he the midget dick go fuck himself?
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) February 3, 2013
Overheard in the locker room: “hey bro can you see my jockstrap through these football pants?”
— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) February 3, 2013
6:03pm – We Will…We Will…Turn You Off(, CBS).
6:05pm – Joe Namath-Kolber is now apparently the elder statesman of NFL alumni and introduces our Super Bowl. This is where I should probably issue the disclaimer that my overall cynicism regarding all things (uncategorically) grows exponentially as the years go by. It’s safe to assume that the Super Bowl, the crowning achievement of everything commercial and pandering, will bring that to the fore throughout the rest of this diary.
6:08pm – Just realized I left my Super Bowl squares picks at home. I was looking forward to punctuating this diary with random bouts of rage and exultation with each score change. Alas.
6:11pm – Ravens safety Ed Reed looks like an old, wise man you’d have no problem believing is a Jedi master and/or homeless poet.
6:12pm – Melanie chimes in with the first of what are sure to be many excellent comments in describing the flag-bearer leading the Ravens out onto the field: “Wow, he has short arms.”
6:12pm – It must be age (and aforementioned cynicism), because every second of this tedious opening feels contrived and excruciating. Maybe I need three more beers.
The Ravens come out to U2 and the 49ers to Tupac. My predictions might’ve had that flipped. I don’t think U2 had a big present on “The Wire.” Now that I think about it, though, I’m 99% certain Tupac sang the theme song to “Full House.”
6:13pm – Steve Martin has just been informed Ray Lewis is playing.
When does the human sacrifice take place?
— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) February 3, 2013
6:14pm – OH MY GOD SOLOMON WILCOTS WILL IMPART HIS WISDOM UPON US — EVERYONE HUSH AND LISTEN TO HIS GOLDEN WORDS!
“I had a chance to talk to Ray Lewis…”
(Jeff throws twelve beers at television)
6:14pm – Solomon throws to “4-time Super Bowl participant” Steve Tasker. “Participant.” Ugh. Do they give our certificates to Super Bowl participants? If so, does Steve have it framed alongside his West Herr Ford print ads?
6:19pm – Listen, all cynicism aside, I have nothing but sympathy for the victims of the Sandy Hook tragedy. It was abhorrent and I feel for everyone touched by it. Maybe it’s the unending commercialism and manufactured “importance” of everything bookending this rendition of “America the Beautiful,” but I found this whole performance a lowest common denominator, patronizing move meant to pander to the masses watching the game. I hate to say it, but this whole thing just rubs me the wrong way. God bless you if you found this moving.
6:20pm – Who is this Rico Suave dude hand-signing the song? For now, let’s go with “El Choco (Taco).”
6:21pm – Yup.
Better be a good game, cuz between the endless religiousity and the mind-numbing cliches, the pre game is pretty insufferable
— Bill Maher (@billmaher) February 3, 2013
6:23pm – Melanie quote #2 as Alicia Keyes starts the National Anthem: “Look at that donkey booty.” America.
Nothing gets you more fired up than a slooooowww 19 minute anthem. #kickthedamnball
— aaron douglas (@theaarondouglas) February 3, 2013
I clocked Alicia Keys at 156.4 seconds, breaking the SB mark of 152 seconds by Natalie Cole and choir in 1994.
— David Barron (@dfbarron) February 3, 2013
6:24pm – Ray Lewis is about to combust into an explosive cloud of tears and deer antler spray.
— Stephen Soroka (@stephenjames716) February 3, 2013
6:26pm – The scrawled text in my notebook for this time is “Cheese Dog Heart Attack (Century 21).” I’ll let you figure it out.
Never liked big games in domed stadiums:There’s no Air Force flyover at the end of the Star Spangled Banner
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) February 3, 2013
6:32pm – And finally…FOOTBALLLLLLLLEARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Hm. Probably shouldn’t have sprayed my beer all over the living room. Getting dirty looks.
What’s the prop bet for times Donte Whitner dives on top of a pile to record an assisted tackle? Bum City. Go #Ravens for that alone.
— Nicholas Mendola (@NicholasMendola) February 3, 2013
6:34pm – Jerome Booger is our head referee this evening. HAHAHAHAHABOOGERZ.
6:36pm – Ray Lewis exultant after a 3-man tackle on a running play up the middle. Dear God, did You really sign off on this guy?
This is a great time to try out my new Lubriderm Extra Strength Advanced Therapy on my dry, cracked skin
— Dan Fisher (@_DanFisher) February 3, 2013
6:37pm – The only upside of the obsessive Ray Lewis coverage is the utter lack of Michael Oher/”The Blind Side” references and storylines. #sandrabullock’scareerweeps
6:41pm – Touchdown Ravens. I find myself devoid of any and all football-related thoughts. I find myself ensconced in a miasma of self-promotion and commercial pandering.
6:42pm – Was someone clamoring for a new type of Budweiser (Black Crown)? So am I going to find patrons of The Snooty Fox in Buffalo laughing with Black Crowns in their hands and eight pounds of hair gel on their heads?
Anheuser Busch has had the 1st Super Bowl commercial for 25 years now. They’ve been the exclusive alcohol advertiser since ‘89.
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) February 3, 2013
I’m black crowning right now. Heading to the bathroom. #SuperBowl
— Joel McHale (@joelmchale) February 3, 2013
6:45pm – Hyundai weighs in with our first good commercial of the game.
6:46pm – Good lord.
Um wth godaddy.com
— patricia thomas (@pthomas3434) February 3, 2013
Even I thought the GoDaddy ad was gross #IranSpaceMonkeyTweetsSuperBowl
— Justin Stangel (@Justin_Stangel) February 3, 2013
6:46pm – And Doritos snatches the lead with a fantastic commercial featuring an hysterical goat! Goats are in the running to replace chimps if CareerBuilder doesn’t get its act together (is CareerBuilder still in business? — installing a chimp as your CEO probably wasn’t a sound business strategy).
who’s hotter: Bar Rafaeli or the Doritos goat?
— Lauren Hall (@laurenmariehall) February 3, 2013
…and after the bedroom door closed, then the man and the goat had sex? What are you trying to tell me, Doritos?! #SuperBowl
— Joel McHale (@joelmchale) February 3, 2013
6:49pm – When in doubt, keep running right up the middle for no gain, San Francisco.
6:49pm – Alright, well it worked that time, Mr. Gore.
6:54pm – The Ravens D is pretty jacked up. All over the field now but could work against them if they don’t pace themselves for 60 minutes.
6:57pm – Ed Reed headed to the locker room. Not a good sign for Baltimore.
6:58pm – I like the new format of “one play followed by seven commercials” format of this year’s Super Bowl. I can’t wait until we have three uninterrupted hours of commercials in four years when the NFL has been outlawed by the government because of safety issues.
OH MY GOD THESE SUPER BOWL COMMERCIALS are pretty much just like all commercials.#SuperBowl
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) February 3, 2013