The Wayward Cynic

director: Kevin Smith
starring: Brian O’Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Rosario Dawson

Kevin Smith returns from his critical beat-down (courtesy of Jersey Girl) to bring us a veritable cornucopia of dick and fart (and donkey) jokes in the sequel to an indie flick that started a revolution: Clerks. Dante and Randal are back working for a fast food joint, this time with Rosario Dawson as their “boss,” and a fellow clerk in babyfaced Elias.

Though dick and fart jokes have been Smith’s forte (with my full support), he’s quietly introduced a basic sweetness, for lack of a better word, in each of his films, one which he’s tried to show more and more in the last couple of movies. Though not on par with the sapfest that was Jersey Girl, Clerks II certainly has its moments of lovelorn romance and heart. Unfortunately–and despite how good these moments can be–they represent huge shifts in tone when they appear onscreen, and bog down what is an otherwise fast-paced, hilarious romp. Yeah, I just used “romp” in a sentence.

The conclusion of the film somewhat makes up for those moments, though, with an altogether unexpected “poring their hearts out” conversation between Dante and Randal that ties together seemingly every facet of their miserable existence as clerks. The strange thing is that, well, it works. It works really well. It takes the history between the two characters, and what we’ve seen of them, injects a dose of reality into it, and delivers a thought-provoking message about how to live one’s life. Yeah, that’s right–a dick and fart movie that has a thought-provoking moral. But, it doesn’t necessarily work that well until the movie’s end, and is chief among the reasons I’m only giving the movie a B.

But enough of that crap; you’re wondering if it’s funny or not. Fret not, readers, it has its’ hilarious moments. Jay & Silent Bob are back–Jay giving new life to a character from Silence of the Lambs; Randal’s as wildly inappropriate as ever, managing to offend every sensibility you have (and even some you don’t); and Smith managed to write a climax so depraved, it has to be seen to be believed. I mentioned the “sweetness” Smith has developed over the course of his films, but he’s also made subtle allusions to this depraved act in his other flicks, and it’s all built up to this. You’ll grimace in horror when it starts, but you won’t be able to look away.

director: who cares
starring: Arnold

The greatest movie in the recorded history of time as the human race knows it? I think so, folks. It features Arnold at the height of his Eighties hot streak, yelling unintelligibly while killing wave after wave of bad guy in movie after movie. The unintentional comedy factor is off the charts, and Commando couldn’t be a better example of everything that was right about the film industry in the 80’s.

Other flicks like Red Heat and Predator weren’t quite as unintentionally hilarious as Commando, however, never quite finding that fine line between rollicking action and wildly inappropriate dialogue. (Predator does come close, though, with such lines as “Billy! Find me a way out of dis hoooole!” and “Get to da choppah!!!”) In lieu of a review, I’m just going to post some of the many memorable scenes from the movie. My favorite parts are in bold.

[Matrix has thrown a pipe through Bennett]
Matrix: LET OV SOME STEEEAM, BENNETT!

Sully: Here’s twenty dollars to get some beers in Val Verde. It’ll give us all a little more time with your daughter.
Henriques: Heh.
Matrix: You’re a funny man, Sully, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.

Matrix: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That’s right, Matrix. You did.
Matrix: I lied.

Cooke: You scared motherfucker? Well you should be because this green beret is going to kick your big ass.
Matrix: I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I’m very hungry.

Matrix: [after killing a man in the plane] Don’t disturb my friend, he’s dead tired.

Gen. Kirby: Leave anything for us?
Matrix: Just bah-deez.

Diaz: Mellow out man. Your daughter is safe, Colonel. Now whether she stays that way is up to you. My people, they got some business with you. And if you want your kid back, then you gotta co-operate, right?
Matrix: Wrong!
[shoots Diaz between the eyes]

Jenny: Heeere come the sandwiches!
Matrix: [reading about Boy George in a pop magazine] Why don’t they just call him Girl George? It would cut down on the confusion.
Jenny: Oh, Dad, that is so old.
Matrix: Ha Ha. You know when I was a boy and rock’n’roll came to East Germany, the communists said it was subversive.
[thinks and smiles]
Matrix: Maybe they were right.

Arius: Now that I have you, you will do exactly as I tell you.
Matrix: Fuck you.

Matrix: Keep an eye out, they’ll be coming. You’re downwind, the air currents might tip them off
Jackson: Downwind?
[looks at Matrix like he’s crazy]
Jackson: You think I could smell them coming?
Matrix: I did.

Matrix: What’s wrong?
Cindy: This isn’t a plane… it’s a canoe with wings.
Matrix: Well, then, get in and start paddling.

Bennett: John, I feel good. Just like old times. What’s it feel like to be a dying man? You’re a dead man, John!
Matrix: Bullshit!

This is on cable all the time, and you could probably buy it on amazon.com for three bucks. Well worth the money to add it to your collection, my friends. You won’t be sorry.

director: Jared Hess
starring: Jack Black, some orphans

The second flick from Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess has much of the same understated hilarity, but with a stronger lead in Jack Black’s Ignacio, a friar/cook at a monastery who moonlights as a ‘luchador’–a Mexican wrestler dubbed “Nacho.” There’s an inherent “sweetness” to the film that keeps it from being an over-the-top Jack Black laughfest (a la School of Rock or Saving Silverman) that center around his trying to help the orphans living in the monastery by using his winnings to buy fresh ingredients for his meals, but there are plenty of moments that result in much busting of the gut throughout the flick.

Jack Black, sweetness notwithstanding, is at the peak of his talents here, whether flying over the handlebars of his motorbike/tricycle during a horrible accident or wooing the saintly Sister Encarnacion at the monastery. His sidekick is also adept at throwing corn-on-the-cob-on-a-stick. I just thought I’d throw that in there. The scenes in the wrestling ring allow Black to really cut loose, as he gallavants around the ring in a fashion strangely reminiscent of his onstage antics as part of his band Tenacious D. I think my favorite scene, which will make no sense until you’ve seen the flick, is Nacho’s construction of a lean-to while in exile, cobbled together from an assortment of driftwood. He simply sits down within it and the laughter commences. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

I don’t have a lot more to say about it, other than to say it’s well worth checking out. Black has expanded his abilities a bit in Nacho Libre, playing a true character this time around, rather than making a character out of an average guy. Okay, that makes absolutely no sense and I should edit this post to completely excise that last sentence, but I won’t–because of my commitment to the readers. I will not shield you from the mistakes of this once-infallible author. You should bow in honor of my ultimate humility. Anyway, go see da Nacho. You won’t be sorry.

director: Roger Spottiswoode
starring: AH-NULD!!!, Robert Duvall, Tony Goldwyn, Michael Rapaport

Where to begin with this steaming turd? Well, it starts off Arnold trying desperately to act in a “family setting;” waking up, bantering with the wife, horsing around with his kids and going off to work. Nevermind that he has all the acting ability of a 1950’s robot. He wears this wide-eyed, dopey smile throughout the opening scenes, as if he’s overdosed on Valium. He then travels to work with his friend, played by Michael Rapaport in a ridiculous haircut, during which he continues to wear his robot/Valium smile. “Everything is fine, my friend! Let us laugh together! Ha ha ha!”

To summarize the first third of the movie: “LOOK AT ME, I AM A HAPPY HUSBAND WITH A GREAT FAMILY! LOOK, IT’S THE FUTURE–WHERE THE NEWS SHOWS UP ON OUR BATHROOM MIRROR! LOOK, IN THE FUTURE YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRIVE WITH YOUR HANDS–THE CAR DRIVES FOR YOU! LOOK, IN THE FUTURE, THERE WILL BE HOLOGRAMS EVERYWHERE! LET ME STAND HERE A WHILE AND ADMIRE THOSE HOLOGRAMS! SERIOUSLY, IT’S THE FUTURE!!!!”

Then he flies around in some crazy CG helicopter before all hell breaks loose. The story revolves around some crap about human cloning or something, I’m not really sure. I was distracted by the horrible editing and direction. This might be one of the worst scripts, dialogue-wise, that I’ve ever borne witness to, nevermind the horrible acting across the board. Why these actors would agree to do this movie is beyond me, unless of course you consider their likely paycheck. Robert freaking Duvall is in this movie!

What really gets me, though, is that the idea behind The 6th Day is actually a good one. The problem is, when you get a guy like Schwarzenegger involved, all pretense of reality goes out the window. Unless Arnold is playing a killer cyborg or kickass commando, you just can’t believe him. The scenes with Arnold acting alone are bad enough, but then you throw his clone into the mix. So instead of just one horrible acting performance by Arnold, you get two at once! Here’s a quick snippet of dialogue between the two Arnolds:

Arnold #1: You better let me have a look at that explosive device.
Arnold #2: Why, you don’t trust me?
Arnold #1: Ha ha ha, you silly goose, I’m the explosives expert!
Arnold #2: I’m better with a gun!
(together): HA HA HA HA HA HA!

The sad thing is, who knows what a decent actor could have done with the role? But even on top of that, the script is awful, the direction is awful, the acting is awful, the special effects are awful. You name it, they effed it up. Enjoy it on cable as soon as you can.

“See you at the pah-ty, Richter!”

director: Gore Verbinski
starring: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Bill Nighy, Stellan Skarsgård

Picking up, more or less, right where the first Pirates left off, Dead Man’s Chest furthers the tale of the charming Captain Jack Sparrow and his honorable companions Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan. The same swashbuckling, adventurous tone of the first certainly carries over to the sequel, but it never seems to strike all the right notes the first one did. I can’t quite put my finger on exactly why that is, but it may lie with the fact that Dead Man’s Chest is a bit less lighthearted than the first was; or perhaps that it’s a bit too self-aware of what made the first movie good, and it goes out of its way to try and duplicate that–and not always successfully. It’s a vague and relatively minor quibble, but it keeps the 2nd flick just out of the class of the first.

The entire cast is back, along with a couple of new additions that makes screentime a precious commodity for all the actors. This causes a few pacing problems, having to dart back and forth between all of the many character arcs, sometimes cutting to a low-key conversation between two people immediately on the heels of an over-the-top action sequence. I think the editors would have done well to excise a few “character” moments from the film in the name of tightening up the plot. Said plot is, at best, confusing as well. It’s hard enough to figure out just what everyone is after, let alone having to do so while deciphering the many different accents each actor has. Jack Sparrow is after Davey Jones’ heart and wants to keep it, Will Turner wants the heart to kill it, Elizabeth Swan doesn’t know who she wants, Davey Jones wants Jack Sparrow’s soul, Commodore Norrington wants Elizabeth, but then wants the heart and his Naval career, Governor Swan wants a new wig…yada, yada, yada. I’ve done you the favor of summarizing the plot as coherently as possible (which is to say, not at all).

What carries the movie, though, is Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow, and his portrayal as an eccentric pirate just left of normal. There does seem to be a questionable tendency on the part of the screenwriters to make him the object of admiration when his actions consistently undermine any possible honor or goodwill he is depicted as being deserving of. If there’s a false note with the character, it’s that. He’s not quite a good enough guy to warrant all the loyalty he seems to inspire at times.

All this nonsense being said, if you were a fan of the first, you’ll no doubt find plenty to love about the second. Lots of adventure on the high seas, plenty of action sequences, and some great special effects, most notably the effects work done on Davey Jones and his crew. Each damned member has taken on the properties of various sealife (one’s becoming a hammerhead shark, another a barnacle, and Davey Jones himself is an octopus). Great effects work by ILM. Overall, the flick’s a bit darker in tone than the first, and there’s more emphasis on larger action setpieces as well. They all work pretty well, but the story seems to get in the way of the action at times. Not necessarily a great thing for a movie, but it skirts enough of an edge on the good side to keep you entertained.

I think, upon further reflection, that the problem with the movie is that the whole isn’t greater than the sum of its parts. You could watch individual scenes, out of order, from Dead Man’s Chest and fully believe each is fantastic and faithful to the original. Gore Verbinski’s direction is fantastic, the cinematography is fantastic, the stunts are fantastic, etc, etc. I can’t think of a single scene on its’ own that didn’t work–but when these pieces are all mashed together, it doesn’t fit quite right into the puzzle that is the entire film.

So what can you glean from this meandering, run-on sentence of a review? Plunk down your nine bucks to see the flick. Not quite as good as the original, but it has enough of the same yo-ho-ho pirate spirit of the first to come back for. Hopefully the same will be said for the 3rd flick, At World’s End, coming next summer.

director: Bryan Singer
starring: Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, Kevin Spacey, Parker Posey, James Marsden

I knew right from the moment I saw the first opening credit that Bryan Singer might just have knocked Superman Returns out of the park. The familiar font style from the original Richard Donner movie came up, larger than life on the big IMAX screen, giving me warm, fuzzy feelings of geek delight. The inherent reverence shown the first two Superman movies is embodied in that initial choice, and is carried throughout the film. It’s that same respect for source material that gave Singer such great success with the first two X-Men movies (I’ll get to the 3rd later).

I think respect is also shown for Christopher Reeve’s iconic portrayal of Man of Steel in the casting of Brandon Routh as Superman. The resemblance between the two is uncanny onscreen, particularly when he appears as his alter ego, Clark Kent. Down to the ill-fitting clothes and bad haircut, Routh brings that same nerdy discomfort. He did seem a bit too young behind the dorky haircut and glasses, but he seems to pull it off. The Kent alter ego isn’t given a lot of screen time, so it’s difficult to judge too harshly. The rest of the cast is pretty good across the board, particularly Kevin Spacey’s Lex Luthor. He could’ve gone over-the-top with the performance, but Spacey brings an understated menace that is much more intimidating than Gene Hackman’s more comedic turn in the original movies. Kate Bosworth’s Lois Lane seems a little less the “assertive maverick” that Margot Kidder was in the originals than an “intrepid reporter and doting housewife,” but she did well enough.

If you haven’t already heard, Superman Returns essentially picks up after Superman II, thus ignoring the 3rd and 4th movies, rightly so. The latter two flicks were mired in mediocrity, choosing to focus more on second-rate villains and comedy in outrageous situations. Richard Pryor may be a comedic genius, but I’m not sure he belongs in a superhero movie. Singer’s fixed all that by simply ignoring them and focusing on the basic characters and universe Richard Donner so effectively set up in the original.

The score by John Ottman is great, owing a large debt to John Williams’ original Superman theme. It’s worked in throughout Ottman’s score, which on its own is pretty good too. When mixed onscreen with the effects work in some of the larger action setpieces, it’s almost enough to give you chills. The first two Superman movies were pretty great, and are sure to be remembered fondly for all-time, but the effects work in Superman Returns is what really elevates it above its’ forerunners. This is the first time you can actually see Superman fly in a convincing fashion, whether hurtling towards a plummeting 747 or above the clouds. No cheesy rear projection here.

This isn’t a film without its faults–there are a few, mainly having to do with the handling of the climax and certain plot points–but there is far too many positives in the flick to dwell on the negative. I can, without question, highly recommend it to anyone. And do yourself a favor: make sure you see this on an IMAX 3D screen. There are four scenes, accounting for about 20 minutes of screen time, that have been converted to 3D. No, it’s not that cheesy, outdated crap you’ll see on a ride in Universal Studios–this is the real deal. I’ve heard that George Lucas is planning on converting all of the Star Wars movies into 3D. If that happens, sign me up for an opening day ticket to all six. This 3D stuff is the future. That, and flying cars. Trust me.

I mentioned the X-Men flicks before, and if nothing else, Superman Returns serves as a big FU to 20th Century Fox, who couldn’t be bothered to work out a deal with Singer to do X-Men 3. Singer opted to go to the Superman franchise and nailed it, while X3 turned out to be a crappy shadow of the first two films, never rising above the level of a brainless action movie. Superman Returns does rise above that level; it’s what X-Men 3 should have been. In fact, it may just be the best comic book movie ever. Hell, it’s a good movie–period. Singer’s done what Christopher Nolan did for Batman with the outstanding Batman Begins and resurrected a franchise. The next Superman flick can’t get here soon enough.