Category: Miscellaneous

Farewell to Walker

Dear Friends:

I was lying in bed a couple of months ago and I started reflecting back to my Martial Arts career as a fighter. I remembered back to 1974, when I decided to retire after six years as the undefeated World Middleweight Karate Champion. I thought that I could defend my title again in 1975 at the age of 35 and win my seventh consecutive year, but then again I could probably lose, so I decided to retire as an undefeated champion. To this day I am considered one of the top fighters of all time. If I had fought and lost, that may not have been the case.

Then I began thinking about Walker, Texas Ranger. Fortunately, Walker has been a top rated series for eight years and I thought it could probably have a successful ninth season, but then again maybe not. Anyway that is the reason I am ending Walker, Texas Ranger. I want the series to end as a winner. I know the let down of Walker being over will be very emotionally hard on me, just as it did when I retired as a fighter, but I did not stop doing my Martial Arts when I retired and I will not stop acting when Walker is over. I hope whenever my acting career goes that I will still have your support! As I have always believed, “When one door closes, a bigger one opens.”

God Bless you.

Sincerely your friend,

Chuck Norris
www.chucknorris.com

Oar Vs. Walker

A.G. Wentworth Moneybags

Winning $315 million lotto ticket sold in California

In light of the above news story, I thought I’d describe just what I’d do with $315 million. I think the tendency for most when they hypothesize about this kind of thing is to come up with a bunch of philanthropic endeavors along with their inevitable selection of a sports car with rocket engines to spend the newfound wealth upon. I shall be no different.

So, figuring you get a lump sum of maybe 40%, you’ve got about $126 million to work with. After taxes, you’re left with maybe $6.50. AHAHAHAHAHAHA, I made a hilarious joke about the IRS screwing you in the ass!

Anyway, you’ve got maybe $80-90 million after taxes. If you’re any kind of a decent human being, you spend maybe 5% on spreading goodwill toward men. I’d pay off my family’s bills and I’d probably donate a few million to the American Red Cross. But to make it more fun, I’d pick some underprivileged children and buy them all Segways and then watch the chaos that will ensue after I’ve put them in a small, enclosed space. I’d probably buy them some food and clothes, too, but the emphasis should be on the Segways.

segways

At some point, I’ve gotta pay off all the debt I’ve accumulated over these 25 short years, but that’s a drop in the bucket compared to my now-augmented bank account balance. So pay off all the credit cards, the car, student loans, child support for my seven kids, bribes to that zookeeper in South Dakota to cover up the chimp kidnappings, and my apartment rent.

After the philanthropic tendencies have been sated, it’s time to make your money work for you. I’d hire a reliable accountant and broker to help me manage my cash; investing in Roth IRA’s, CD’s, high-yield bonds, pork belly futures, and a diverse selection of mutual funds, all designed to net me a 43% increase in net worth. That all sounds good, right?

All accountants are out to get your money though, so I’d have to set aside about $14 million to track him down after he’s skipped the country with half my money. Costs would include hiring an elite team of mercenary assassins, travel expenses (helicopter, private jet, amphibious armored personnel carriers, etc.), pay-offs to the local corrupt judiciary in the Caymans, and of course, the diamond-plated bullet enscribed with the accountant’s name that will be used to “get my money back.” This will take place on the side of a volcano, lava rivers surrounding us, the accountant writhing in pain after being shot in the knee. A helicopter will arrive, drop a ladder which I will hop on, and I’ll then shoot the accountant in the ass and yell out “this town needs an enema.” I’d then laugh like a schoolgirl and fly away.

After that mess, it’s time to “live a little,” as the Mayan gods once said. The next order of business is to get two new cars: one ultra-sportscar in the Ferrari vein, preferably in midnight blue and with mandatory doors that slide up instead of out. The other car would be tailor-made for offroading, probably a fully-customized Hummer that features a roof-mounted cannon capable of firing both explosives and candy at high speeds.

humvee

I’d then buy two or three homes, probably an apartment in NYC, a lodge in the mountains of Colorado, and a giant beach house in Malibu. All of these would have seven TV’s and a movie theater, a Save Kenny court, and a football field. I’m a big fan of waterfalls, so those would have to be incorporated throughout the house, connected by rivers criss-crossing all over the house. You’d have to have some trees in there somewhere as well. All houses, as expected, would be staffed by the aformentioned chimps.

The most important action that I’d take after gaining all this phat cash is to quit my God damn job at Adelphia.

call center

I have no idea what a Roth IRA is.

One does what one must

Hello all. I’m finally somewhat-prepared to write a post that won’t mention monkeys, squirrels, or hooliganism. Well, maybe I shouldn’t make such a bold proclamation quite yet.

There is, unfortunately, not much new to report on the news front. I’m still at Adelphia-soon-to-be-Time-Warner, plugging away. The endless parade of mindless individuals seeking help with their cup holders (aka CD ROM drives) and their My Little Pony deskto wallpaper continues, and it never ceases to amaze me how many new, bizarre issues they can come up with. And there are always new twists on old problems. For example, here is a recent discourse I witnessed over chat:

Analyst> Thank you for contacting Adelphia etc. etc. etc. Please describe how I can assist you.
Customer> pop-ups Every day I havea pop-up with naked man riding a tractor. At top of the screen it says ACLU. I have had a lot of other pop-ups that I didn’t have when I was using Goggle tool bar.

So, as bored as it can get around Adelphia, things like that make the day a bit better. Although, one’s reaction to such a comment from a customer is largely dependent upon one’s mood. One day, it’s laugh-out-loud funny; another, it’s enough to punch one’s self in the face repeatedly. As a side note, it is probably not a good idea for one to refer to one’s self as “one” more than once or twice in a paragraph.

A major item-of-note, for me, is the upcoming jaunt Jones and I will make to see everyone’s favorite rock band, Pearl Jam, at Air Canada Centre in Toronto. (That’s in Canadia for all you xenophobes.) As always, I think, you can expect a full review with details about the trip up after I get back. Hopefully, that 12-pound block of hash I have hidden in the spare tire compartment won’t be found by overzealous border patrol agents.

Lastly, few things bring me more joy than a sweet picture created with MS Paint. I’d like to post a particularly good one that came across my desk recently, which I’ve posted below. It is a perfect example of the use of multiple techniques from the mid to late Rennaissance* period, most notable in its’ juxtaposition of electricity and rapid arm movement from the subject.

* “Rennaissance” as in “Rennaissance Man” starring Danny DeVito and Gregory Hines

Not just the squirrels…

Pet Monkey Escapes, Bites Boy on Buttocks

Thu Sep 8,10:19 PM ET

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia – A monkey, apparently a pet, escaped, then chased a 12-year-old boy into his house and bit him on the buttocks in the western Malaysian state of Pahang, a news report said Friday.

The monkey, which was believed to be a pet animal because there was a chain around its neck, ran up and down the street in the housing area in Kuantan town as it appeared just after dusk Wednesday, scaring people into their homes, the Bernama news agency reported.

In other news, a post on this site not containing news about squirrels or monkeys is right around the corner. I promise.

The best quote in the history of the universe

“The claws are very sharp, I guess he mistook me for a tree,” officer Flowers said. “The squirrel was moving at such speed, I didn’t see it and neither did my partner standing shoulder-length away from me.”

The full story.

See also:

“On any given day, a dozen squirrels scamper on the field at Pat Butler Elementary in Paso Robles, slipping in and out of holes the size of softballs. That may soon end.”

More terrifying evidence of a developing conspiracy.

Always remember '84

Save Kenny Rules of Play

1. The Henderson Law (1868)
Clause 1: Jeff’s team will always be “the winner.”
Clause 2: The opposing team (vs. Jeff’s team) will always lose.
Clause 3: If there is a questionable call, it will be ruled a re-do.

2. Collision Theory (1818)
If there is a collision between two opposing team members, there will be a re-do called.

3. Kenny Clause (1996)
If Kenny is ever taken, he must be treated fairly and eventually returned safely.

4. Madden Motivation (1760)
If Ross goes insane or leaves the game, any item transactions will be rendered null and void.

5. Re-do Rule (1480)
If there is a re-do called, the play must be re-done.

6. Super Stipulation (4)
If a team member finds the actions of an opposing team member objectionable or overly malicious, they must fight in a battle to the death*…of a family member.

7. Alligator Allegation of 1924
If an alligator is caught walking within the field of play, the game must be suspended. Then, the alligator must either be shot or tranquilized, depending on materials available. (Also, call the zoo.)

8. Arrive derci Accord (1010)
When the game is over, all outstanding debts will be paid in full, unless other arrangements are made 28 hours in advance.

*A battle to unconsciousness may be substituted when necessary.