Blade Trinity | F

director: David Goyer
starring: Wesley Snipes, Ryan Reynolds, Jessica Biel

What a pile of garbage this “movie” is. What started as a promising franchise somehow lost all creative steam in the hands of director/screenwriter David Goyer and ended up as a shell of itself in Blade Trinity. I can’t find the motivation to write too much on this, so I’ll just suggest you stay away from this movie at all costs. Horrible acting, horrible plot, horrible dialogue, horrible direction, horrible music, etc, etc, etc. Every choice that was made in the making of this film was the wrong one, from the director on down. A waste of celluloid. Somehow–do not ask me why–this movie is on my DVD shelf. I think I’m going to take it to my roof later, then set it on fire, crap on it, and then throw it off the building. Maybe crap first, then set it on fire. You get the idea.

Per your request…

boarding

a. A minor or major penalty, at the discretion of the Referee, based upon the degree of violence of the impact with the boards, shall be imposed on any player who checks an opponent in such a manner that causes the opponent to be thrown violently in the boards.
(NOTE) Any unnecessary contact with a player playing the puck on an obvious “icing” or “off-side” play which results in that player being knocked into the boards is “boarding” and must be penalized as such. In other instances where there is no contact with the boards, it should be treated as “charging”.

b. When a major penalty is imposed under this Rule for a foul resulting in an injury to the face or head of an opponent, a game misconduct shall be imposed.

c. Any player who incurs a total of two (2) game misconducts for Boarding under Rule 44 (b), in either Regular Season or Playoffs, shall be suspended automatically for the next game of his Team. For each subsequent game misconduct penalty the automatic suspension shall be increased by one game.

d. When a major penalty is imposed under this Rule, an automatic fine of one hundred dollars ($100) shall be imposed.

* * *

Anaheim Buffalo

Went to the Sabres/Mighty Ducks game this past Thursday night. It was disappointing to see a rather sparse crowd (around 12,000) in light of the team being one of the best in the league. No matter, as Jones and I had a good time seeing the Sabres win in overtime. We’re now 10-1-1 in “our” last 12 games. Booyah! I highly recommend the beef on weck in the Harbour Club restaurant, with a smattering of horseradish (be careful, though, I think I blew out my sinuses, if that’s possible). After the game, we stood behind the cameras and watched a bit of the postgame show being filmed live, with Kevin Sylvester, Rob Ray and Mike Robitaille. I think Rob Ray kept staring me down when he saw the blue-and-gold Lafontaine jersey I was wearing. I nearly yelled out “let’s drop the gloves!” but thought better of it. Our last brush with celebrity occurred on the way into the parking garage, as we ran into Sabres’ great Danny Gare. Good capper to the night.

Anchorman | A

director: Judd Apatow
starring: Will Ferrell, Christina Applegate, Steve Carell

Will Ferrell stars as the title character set in a San Diego local news outfit. This is one of those movies you have to stop and watch when you’re surfing through the 806 channels on your satellite dish. It doesn’t matter at what point the movie’s at, I end up watching the rest of it all the way through. Who can forget such all-time great quotes like “It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair!” and “…the city of San Diego, which of course in German means ‘a whale’s vagina,'” and likely Will Ferrell’s finest film performance to date equates to a movie not to be missed. The supporting cast is also fantastic, most notably Steve Carell as an idiot weatherman (“Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.”). It’s on 8 times a day on cable, so go find it and watch.

Dirty Sanchez

I was recently provided with the business card below, and apparently, Justin’s been moonlighting on the side in an industry that might shock you. All this time, I figured he spent his spare time out in the woods chasing squirrels for dinner, but no–he nefariously misled us all. I feel betrayed, yet still hope to benefit from this discovery….in the form of boxes upon boxes of tacos.

Business Card

I was given this card on the condition that I DO reveal the identity of my source, this so-called Mexican Deep Throat. Without further adieu, I give you Julio Escuela, purveyor of salsa-filled maracas:

Julio

He is clearly a publicity hound, but also has the finest salsa-filled maracas this side of Tijuana. I made a deal to get in on the ground floor of his burgeoning salsa-filled maraca business, for the bargain price of $35,000. I’ll be rolling in the dough before you know it.

The Longest Yard | F

director: Peter Segal
starring: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock

Ya know, I’d ask how this stuff gets made, but I look at the box office this movie did ($100M+) and I guess that’s my answer. This is a steaming turd of a movie, tailor-made for the short-attention span MTV generation. Never mind that this is an unnecessary remake of one of the finest sports movies of all time; it’s simply a terrible movie. I think the most notable thing about the movie was the revelation of Courtney Cox’s newly-crafted yabbos. Well done.

Farewell to Walker

Dear Friends:

I was lying in bed a couple of months ago and I started reflecting back to my Martial Arts career as a fighter. I remembered back to 1974, when I decided to retire after six years as the undefeated World Middleweight Karate Champion. I thought that I could defend my title again in 1975 at the age of 35 and win my seventh consecutive year, but then again I could probably lose, so I decided to retire as an undefeated champion. To this day I am considered one of the top fighters of all time. If I had fought and lost, that may not have been the case.

Then I began thinking about Walker, Texas Ranger. Fortunately, Walker has been a top rated series for eight years and I thought it could probably have a successful ninth season, but then again maybe not. Anyway that is the reason I am ending Walker, Texas Ranger. I want the series to end as a winner. I know the let down of Walker being over will be very emotionally hard on me, just as it did when I retired as a fighter, but I did not stop doing my Martial Arts when I retired and I will not stop acting when Walker is over. I hope whenever my acting career goes that I will still have your support! As I have always believed, “When one door closes, a bigger one opens.”

God Bless you.

Sincerely your friend,

Chuck Norris
www.chucknorris.com

Oar Vs. Walker

Winter Wonderland

(as in “I wonder how many feet of snow I’ll have to dig through to find my car tomorrow.”)

For everyone who “misses” dear old Buffalo, here is what you missed by not coming home for Thanksgiving:

snow1

snow1

The plow guys in Buffalo must be enjoying a vacation day, or else they just suck terribly at their job. There’s a narrow lane about 10 feet wide in the center of the Delaware Avenue (arguably Buffalo’s main road/street). I guess, if the goal is to cause a 187% increase in accidents, the Buffalo Department of Public Works has done their job. It’s still snowing like a son of a bitch as I write this, so I’m looking forward to the 85 minutes it will take me to drive 6 miles to work tomorrow.