Welcome to The Wayward Cynic’s annual running diary of America’s favorite pasttime: eating mass quantities of dip. Also, I’ll talk about some football as the valiant Packers take on the morally questionable Steelers in Super bowl XLV!
The always-imaginative Super Bowl logo is excited about something
As always, all credit to Bill Simmons for the format. We’re coming to you live from the Roe Estate in picturesque East Aurora, NY, where a variety of wildlife and bags of chips dot the landscape. Miller Lites are locked and loaded; bowls are full of various dips; and a variety of meats are being smoked outside on the porch. Ah…smells like football (and terrible gas).
I was fortunate to miss most of the interminable pregame festivities due to a morning brunch with friends and some errands, during which I crossed paths with an early 1990s Ford Taurus sporting a giant, 12-inch swan-like creature as a hood ornament. Alas, no pictures but I invite you to imagine it and submit MS Paint renderings to me for the annual “Wayward Cynic Draw Something in MS Paint Contest.”
Anyway, the diary picks up shortly before the game. If you came here looking for a chronicling of pregame analysis of pre-snap quarterback-to-center’s-ass placement discussion on Fox, my apologies.
5:55pm Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Colin Powell and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell walk the halls of the National Archive as they iterate football’s place in American culture and its impact upon black history. Well, that’s what I assume since we had the TV on mute. For all I know, this was a trailer for Lethal Weapon 5, with Powell and Goodell taking over as Riggs and Murtaugh in what is sure to be the next hit buddy-cop movie.
6:11pm Sam Elliott’s mustache was deemed by Fox and/or the NFL to be the most logical facial component to introduce our two teams. I would like Sam Elliott’s mustache to recite the audiobook version of my best-selling auto-biography, “Billy? – A Boy’s Life.”
6:20pm Leah Michelle of Fox’s hit show Glee takes the stage at midfield to sing “America the Beautiful.” When did this become a tradition? Can’t we replace one of Terry Bradshaw’s guffaw-laden “analysis” segments in the pregame show with this and just get the game started now?
6:23pm High drama at the Roe Estate as Christina Aguilera comes onstage to sing the National Anthem. The over/under in Vegas for her singing time is 1 minute, 54 seconds, and everyone here apparently bet their life savings on it.
6:24pm The over is looking good as Aguilera’s sung approximately 4 words (three of them repeats) in 60 seconds so far. Big laughs in the room as Jeff Soroka refers to Packers linebacker AJ Hawk as “Darkman” when he comes onscreen.
6:25pm Everyone in Vegas has a heart attack as Aguilera botches the lyrics and skips approximately four lines of the anthem. Wouldn’t you know it — she finished at 1:54 exactly! Mass hysteria in Vegas — gamblers leaping off buildings; fans throwing their TVs out the window; dogs and cats living together — this lost a lot of folks a lot of money. Smells fishy to me. editor’s note: Vegas decided to award both the over and under bettors on this in an attempt to divert discussions of conspiracy.
6:25pm A fighter jet flyover of a domed stadium? Glad to see $200,000 worth of taxpayer jet fuel is going to good use.
6:26pm A McDonald’s commercial stars ill-tempered grizzly bears attacking humans for their french fries. I hope this is a sign of things to come on the advertising front. Don’t let me down, Madison Avenue; give me chimps early and often (hey, that’s also the title of the best-selling follow-up to my smas hit auto-biography!).
6:32pm Peter tells us the NFC has won the coin toss thirteen straight years and…Green Bay wins the toss. Peter got so excited he shotgunned three beers and ran around the house twice. 50% of this entry was not true.
6:37pm We catch a glimpse of Green Bay Packer defender Frank Zombo (I’m assuming his first name was Frank, but frankly don’t care because I was excited to introduce zombo.com to the crew at the Roe Estate, a site that’s been around since pretty much the beginning of the Internet. Dial it up on your world wide web machine and thank me later.)
6:44pm Bud Light is off to a good start with the extreme home makeover of a kitchen.
6:47pm I’m a fan of hearing football players referred to as, “loads,” #85 of the Steelers in this case. Thank you, Troy Aikman (that is the first and last time I will thank Troy Aikman for anything).
-Steve eats a fistful of chips and dip.
-Lindsey: “Wait ’til you see how long you’re gonna be on the treadmill tomorrow.”
-Everyone: (uncontrollable laughter)
6:51pm Doritos’ first offering is of a creepy guy sucking Dorito dust off another guy’s hand. I’m going to go ralph up my Doritos now.
6:58pm Fox gives us a closeup of John Madden trying to figure out how to work a cell phone next to George W. Bush focused intently on a game of Angry Birds. The next shot might be the highlight of the night, with actress Cameron Diaz feeding New York Yankee primadonna Alex Rodriguez some popcorn. It’s just too easy to make jokes on this one — enjoy, Yankee fans.