Due solely to my wildly successful Super Bowl running diary, I thought I’d go back to the well for one on everyone’s favorite awards show/liberal political showcase, the Academy Awards!
7:52pm I’m catching the tail end of Barbara Walters’ annual special, interviewing Harrison Ford. The highlight was a word association question from Walters, asking him to say the first word that comes to his mind as she names his movies. American Graffiti: “BEER.” Well done, Dr. Jones.
8:01pm I saw There Will Be Blood earlier today. I’ll be shocked if it doesn’t win Best Picture. More importantly, I’ll be incredulous if Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t win best actor. He’s incredible.
8:02pm Regis Philbin still gettin’ it done as host of the red carpet pre-show. George Clooney’s girlfriend definitely appears to be a robot.
8:03pm Clooney asks Regis about his alma mater, Notre Dame, winning their basketball game earlier today and Regis responds with a blank stare. I’m not sure Regis knows where he is. Call a medic!
8:04pm Okay, I think I’m ready to turn off the TV. I’m getting dumber by the second.
8:05pm Good God, what happened to John Travolta’s hair?! The hair plugs he broke out at the Super Bowl look like they’re not taking. The same might be said for his acting career, as I’m watching a clip of him gyrate around in a female fat suit and sequins.
8:07pm Javier Bardem’s gotta win for No Country for Old Men, despite that haircut.
8:09pm Thank God–a commercial break.
8:15pm This vapid interviewer is asking Daniel Day-Lewis how he found the “humanity” in his character in There Will Be Blood. My apartment’s on the 2nd floor, but I’m not sure I’d die if I jump out the window. Do I have a gun around here somewhere?
8:32pm I’d really like to see David Letterman come back to host. What other host gave you a dog chasing its own tail on urine-proof matting onstage in front of the world?
8:35pm Tommy Lee Jones looks constipated. He’s got a long night ahead of him.
8:37pm Why I love Jon Stewart: he essentially just called Norbit a steaming turd.
8:38pm We made it 8 minutes before the first political reference. That pace seems about right. I can’t wait for the first “joke” about the Iraq war.
8:39pm aaaaand Stewart just made a joke about the interminable Iraq war. I can’t make this kind of timing up.
8:39pm Tommy Lee Jones is laughing. He might be okay. More on this as it develops…
8:42pm Mmmm…Jennifer Garner in HD…
8:44pm OH GOD….JOHN TRAVOLTA IN HD! NOOOOO!!!!!!
8:52pm Steve Carell makes the mistake of thinking he’s presenting the best documentary Oscar instead of best animated feature. “What about the girl in Iran?” “Is this being shown in Belgium?” hahahahaha I can’t wait ’til Carell and The Office get back on the air.
9:00pm The first Best Original Song performance, featuring Amy Adams’ high-pitched whine, singing about scrubbing toilets. This gets nominated while not one of Eddie Vedder’s collection of Into the Wild songs even get a whiff. Ugh.
9:09pm Not sure how the cartoony-looking polar bears just beat out the spectacular effects work from Transformers and Pirates of the Caribbean. I guess it doesn’t matter who “deserves” it at the Oscars. After all, Shakespeare in Love won Best Picture over Saving Private Ryan. Gimme a break.
9:16pm Someone with the last name of “Affleck” nominated for an acting award? Interesting. Javier Bardem’s gotta win. The secret to great acting is not blinking. Think about it.
9:17pm And Bardem wins. The right choice.
9:19pm Tommy Lee Jones Watchâ„¢: he’s fidgeting in his seat, looking not at all comfortable. Someone get him some Immodium AD ASAP.
9:31pm Jerry Seinfeld as an animated bee. I think I speak for all the world when I say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”
9:37pm I hope Amy Ryan wins Best Supporting Actress if for no other reason than to get The Wire more attention, which she has a role on. LONG LIVE THE WIRE!
9:39pm Well, Tilda Swinton won, but I’ll give her credit for making a joke about the rubber nipples on George Clooney’s Batman costume. I’m still not sure Hollywood has recovered from that horrific movie. I think this would be a good time to present Arnold’s quotes as Mr. Freeze:
Mr. Freeze: You’re not sending ME to the COOLER!
Mr. Freeze: I’m afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.
Mr. Freeze: Tonight, hell freezes over!
Mr. Freeze: Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom.
Mr. Freeze: If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It’s time to feast!
Mr. Freeze: Cool party!
Mr. Freeze: Let me guess, Plant Girl? Vine Lady? Huh? Hand over the diamond Garden Gal, or I’ll turn you into mulch!
Mr. Freeze: Surprise, I am your new cell mate. And I’m here to make your life a living hell. Prepare for a bitter harvest. Winter has come at last.
Mr. Freeze: Chill Out!
9:44pm The “always fantastic” Jessica Alba? What is the announcer smoking when he introduced her? Smoking hot? Yes. Fantastic actor? Madre de dios, no!
9:46pm Tommy Lee is attentive and clapping. Keep the Immodium AD in stand-by for now.
9:48pm The Coen bros. win for their No Country for Old Men adaptation. This was a toss-up between the Coens and P.T. Anderson for There Will Be Blood. I’d make it a tie. I’ve read “No Country” and bits and pieces of “Oil!” by Upton Sinclair. Both are classics, and both are difficult to imagine as coherent movies. Both the Coens and Anderson pulled it off, in spades.
9:53pm Another song from Enchanted?! WTFBBQ! Kristen Chenoweth ain’t bad-looking, though–especially in this picture (not safe for work):
9:56pm Hopefully, you’ve made it back to the site by now. Sorry about that; I had to channel my Best Original Song rage somewhere.
10:18pm Is Colin Farrell high or just nervous? Anyway, he introduces a song actually worthy of a nomination, “Falling Slowly” from Once. Not my favorite song from the soundtrack, but I’d like to see it win in recognition of the film.
10:30pm I’m fading fast here…this show needs a chimp infusion…stat!
10:37pm A Tommy Lee Jones sighting! He has a pained look on his face, so he’s either emotionally affected by Honorary Oscar-winner Robert Boyle’s speech, or the constipation has become too much to bear. Immodium AD! Now!
10:42pm Pretty boring show so far this year. Jon Stewart’s been mildly amusing, but the show as a whole rates as a big yawner.
10:45pm THREE freaking songs from Enchanted? *jumps out window*
10:48pm I was right earlier when I surmised that a fall from my 2nd story apartment wouldn’t kill me. Oh well, at least the song–and John Travolta’s dancing–is over.
10:50pm Yeah! Once wins for Best Original Song. Thank Jebus. Great speech by the winners (or winner, as the girl got cut off by the orchestra). They made this thing on two handicams for $100,000.
10:57pm AWESOME job by Jon Stewart to let the girl from Once come back out to finish the speech that got cut off before the last commercial break. I can almost guarantee it was Stewart that made that happen. Excellent to the 482nd power. Take that, uptight show director!
11:06pm Did they leave Roy Scheider out of that death montage? WTF
11:09pm Not sure how Radiohead’s Jonny Greenwood didn’t get a Best Score nomination for There Will Be Blood. Original, haunting score that outshines the rest of these nominees. No points for originality, I guess.
11:12pm Nice touch to have soldiers in Baghdad read the nominations for Best Documentary. And it occurs to me that the politics have been kept to a minimum tonight. Kudos, Hollywood.
11:25pm A clip from The Savages that features Laura Linney ranting about the hotel room she’s in. What’s wrong with a “hotel room in Buffalo?”
11:33pm Five great actors in the Best Actor category, but Day-Lewis blows them all out of the water. Tommy Lee Jones, though, should be lauded for his constitution on his night of extreme constipation. I tip my hat to you, Tommy Lee.
11:34pm Day-Lewis wins. Never a doubt. You should go see There Will Be Blood right away, if you haven’t gotten the idea already, by the way. He describes the Oscar statue as a “golden sapling that sprouted out of the head of Paul Thomas Anderson.” It’s bad enough he’s the best actor on the planet, he also has a command of language and metaphor any writer would be envious of. (I know that sounds a bit over-the-top if you haven’t seen the broadcast, so do me a favor and just watch his speech.)
11:43pm AHAHAHAHAHA Channel 7 just had their audio feed overtake the ABC feed and we were privy to the news anchors and production staff comment on the Coen Bros. winning Best Director. I heard news anchor Keith Radford say, “is that the one where they blow stuff up?” referring to No Country For Old Men. I also heard a guy say “bullshit.” Way to go, WKBW!
This doesn’t bode well for Blood winning Best Picture, unfortunately.
11:46pm And I was right. No Country wins it. It’s a tremendous movie, and like the best adapted screenplay Oscar, I wish this and There Will Be Blood could both win it.
11:47pm Tommy Lee is back! His face looks red, for some reason. Oh no, just hold out two more minutes, Tommy, and then you can head to the lavatory.
11:48pm And we’re done. Relatively forgettable broadcast, other than the Channel 7 audio snafu a few minutes ago. My thanks to all who joined me, and to Mr. Tommy Lee Jones, whose indefatigable will and fortitude in the face of an unyielding digestive onslaught is an inspiration to us all. Good night!